u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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