dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
