I met the friendliest cop last night
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i think my cat just said my name.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
