Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
