I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
