You smell like stripper and shame
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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