So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
