The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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