I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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