Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
