I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
