just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
