How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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