I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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