I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
