update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
