I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
