woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
