Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
