her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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