1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
so much tequila, so little girl.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
