I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
