Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
