If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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