i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You left your phone here
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