i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
