My first STD was from a foam party
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
