My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
