It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
