guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
