I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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