Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
