My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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