i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got inside last night via doggy door
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
