I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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