she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
