He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize