he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize