she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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