I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
