My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
