I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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