She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
