i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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