There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
