Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
