drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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