Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
