She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
