he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
