well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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