u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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