My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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