woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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