On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
