we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize