Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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