Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
