Soap is not a condiment
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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