about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
