Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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