Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
