walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
