you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
