I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
