I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
