i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
