Welp...herpes.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
