as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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