True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
