youre lurking in front of me
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
