Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
please come you make the beer taste better
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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