you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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