i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
