Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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